Stanley Simmons

'Capes' Beat Reporter Extraordinaire

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Stanley Simmons is the local ‘man in the know’ in the ‘Capes Scene’.

Twin Cities Cape Beat – 10/26/10
By: Stanley Simmons
- This Month in capes history;
o In 1983 The Ghostronaught retired from “Active Duty” in the upper Midwest after stopping the Crime Cartel from taking over Professor Thaddeus Steele’s inert Space Zeppelin giving them access to all of the long lost heroes invention & technology. The Space Zeppelin had been ‘out of phase’ with our earth since 1969. Of the Crime Cartel’s membership Mr. Lao, La Peregrin, Simon Says all perished as well as one of Steele’s erstwhile compatriots from the 1930’s, the Grey Ghost. The Space Zeppelin is scheduled to reappear in ‘our’ space in 2011.
o In 1999 the Twin Cities was rocked by an invasion attempt by the dreaded Xmnu The Titan. Only the timely intervention of the Great Lakes Avengers, Sun Girl, & The Golden King prevented Xmnu from beginning a one monster invasion of the Midwest. Tragically, The Golden King would never awake from the mental assault by this assailant from beyond the stars.
o In 2004 Chicago saw the first ‘Modern’ incarnation of the Crime Cartel as their plan to steal the Sears Tower was thwarted, due to the timely intervention of the short lived super team The Seven.
o In 2005 Minneapolis The Seven disbands after Commando Kody, the Space Ranger, & The Strange Visitor are killed in a deadly battle with the Crime Cartel. On the Cartel’s side Pantheon and The Red Menace were also mortally wounded. Tyrantosaurus X & The Manvil both escaped custody four days later.
o In 2008 Dallas the 1940’s super patriot Ole’ Glory, aka Rory Taylor, was laid to rest. At the proceedings son of Ole’ Glory enemy Blitzkrieg, Abel Reinhard turned himself in after a botched attempt to bomb the proceedings. Abel was sentenced to 10 years in the ‘Deep Freeze’. At his sentencing he vowed to redeem himself and his family name after serving his time.

Celebrity News!
- Celebutaunt daughter of the aforementioned Professor Steele, “Hot Tub” Jonni Steele is scheduled to return to the Twin Cities after wrapping on her latest film endeavor in Japan. The indestructible diva has publicly said she is looking into the I.P.’s of her father’s Steele Corporation. Currently Steele Corp. is in the midst of a hostile take over by Baintronics.
- The law firm of Hammer & Kline has successfully defended local crime celebrity Mokole Membe aka The Crimo-dile again from an extended prison sentence for racketeering and attempted murder. Even after expert testimony from Dr. Edgar Starr, the cities leading ‘cape’ psychologist, the alleged Reptilian Crime Boss is free again. Key in his release was the public discrediting of Dr. Starr as it was released he is the son of deceased super villain Elihas Starr aka Egghead. None of the parties could be reached for further comment.
- Former Korean War super hero standout Edward Sothal, known as The Indestructible Man, continues to mull over a run at the Senate. Just as former NFL star Phil Grayfield has entered his name in the Governor’s race. Rumor’s abound that Grayfield may have to publicly disclose what is widely speculated that he once moonlighted as little known 1990’s mystery man NFL SuperPro before being fully vetted by the Republican party. He already has the financial support of the New World PAC, a non-profit grass roots organization that has rallied strong support with the upper Midwest’s most affluent individuals.
- Forgoing his floundering comedy career Griffin Gogol, aka Captain Ultra, has been spotted in the Twin Cities and as far south as Des Moines where he has been able to stop two bank robbers by Koo Koo & Tick Tock, as well as a property destruction laden fist fight with Rolly Polly & long time New York villain The Looter, both escaped capture. Time will tell if this semi-well known hero is looking to make the upper Midwest his new home.
- Last but not least the re-opening & re-christening of the UCWF to the UCFF, Unlimited Class Fighting Federation, kicks off in a little over a month with a tournament to decide their Earth Heavy Weight Champion. Announced participants are; Armadillo, Jersey Devil, El Zorro de Plata, Cowgirl, Poundcakes, Yoshin “Thunder” Kaiman, Vice, & G.I. Bro! Tickets are still available.

Twin Cities Cape Beat – 11/3/10
By: Stanley Simmons
Celebrity News!
- Baintronics spokeswoman Amanda Smythe held a press conference stating that they would be open to a partnership with the current majority shareholder of Steele Corp., celebutaunt superhero Jonni Steele. This partnership would be contingent on Ms. Steele assuming a public spokesman role as well as putting herself in a ‘body guard’ capacity for Baintronics head Sunset Bain. Ms. Steele could not be reached for comment.
- Former super villain Carlton Sanders, aka Trump, is writing a tell all book about his experience in the high-speed world of New York’s underworld. He claims his book would “name names”. Sanders has been a resident of St. Paul for two years after serving five years on The Raft.
- After a few weeks of contemplation Edward Sothal has bowed out of his run for State Senate. He sighted his unstable health as his main concern. Political handlers who wish to remain anonymous blame political pressure being applied to the moderate by special interest groups and the clout of the upstart New World PAC.
- Speaking of the New World PAC, they’ve scheduled a press conference in conjunction with Republican gubernatorial candidate Phil Grayfield. It is rumored that their Mr. Grayfield will publicly disclose his history as former mystery man NFL SuperPro. Grayfield has stated that he is in favor of a Superhuman Registration Act, a heated point of political contention in the state, requiring all those individuals operating with post human abilities to register as “dangerous weapons” with their state government. This would also allow for state officials to request these individuals assistance in the case of an emergency. It would also make unregistered masked vigilantes vulnerable to state prosecution.
- Allana & Sergie Zarkov, the stage magician duo known as Glamour & Illusion have signed to do a series of mass illusions in the Upper Midwest. The Zarkov’s are the children of famed illusionist and adventurers Glynis & Ilya Zarkov the husband and wife duo that once operated in New Orleans in the early 1980’s. The duo fell on hard times and Ilya was the victim of an unsolved murder. The children were born to their comatose mother. The two youths were raised in New Salem Colorado and have since become the darlings of the “Magic Scene”.
- General John Ryker has taken up the post of Warden & Head Administrator at the ‘Deep Freeze’ prison. He has already turned local government and watchdog organization head’s by using mothballed Sentinel units as a quick response team. This team was used most recently to stop the attempted escape of Darkoth The Death Demon. Mutant Rights groups have begun protesting the use of these devices sighting them as ‘culturally offensive’. The General was unavailable for comment.
- Last but not least the UCFF will be holding an exhibition bout in its new UCFF Arena located outside Chaska. The bout will pit the ‘Titan From Beyond The Stars’ Torgo, with Ben Grimm in his corner against the Gamma Powered Goliath, Ravage! With the arena being designed by Sunset Bain in conjunction with Damage Control Inc., it should be amazing to see two super powered gladiators do battle.

BREAKING NEWS! 11/30/10
By Stanley Simmons
- Edward Sothal has been admitted to Region’s West Hospital after being assaulted by masked criminals. From what this reporter was able to gather Sothal has multiple arrow wounds to the torso, but is in stable condition.

In other news…
- The ‘Titan From Beyond The Stars’ Torgo, with Ben Grimm in his corner defeated the Gamma Powered Goliath, Ravage in their charity UCFF bout last Saturday. Post bout controversy hit as General John Ryker served Ravage with a warrant and with two Sentinels waiting outside the building had the contract fighter escorted to the ‘Deep Freeze’ facility. So far the Department of Corrections – Powers Division & the U.S. Department of Justice were unavailable for comment.
- Minneapolis ‘Capes’ Detective Janet Haley had “No Comment” to this reporter’s questions regarding the rash of M.G.H., Mutant Growth Hormone, related crimes in the Twin Cities. Just where are these gangs and the low tiered spandex set getting this ‘boost’?
- Gubernatorial candidate and former masked man Phil Grayfield has announced his engagement to German Baroness Heike Rogers. Rogers is the head of the New World PAC. Two years ago she refuted claims that her actual last name is Zemo, and called the documents that linked her to Baron Helmut Zemo being her ex-husband not only false, but ‘a degradation of her very character being propagated by the Liberal Media Elite’. The two have been dating for approximately eight months. They have announced spring nuptials.
- ‘Hot Tub’ Johnni Steele has publicly denounced the Baintronics offer put forth earlier this month leading economic experts to believe that a ‘hostile’ takeover of Steele Corp. is imminent. In addition Ms. Steele has shown a vested interest in leading what she is calling a ‘salvage mission’ to her father’s Space Zeppelin, which is scheduled to reappear in ‘our’ space on January 1st, 2011.

Twin Cities Cape Beat – 12/30/10
By: Stanley Simmons

Capes News!
- “Hot Tub” Jonni Steele has announced a deal with the Discovery Channel to have a documentary crew follow her and a ‘hand picked crew’ as they make an attempt to board her father’s Space Zepplin, due to phase into ‘Real Space’ on 1/11/11. She has yet to give the media any inclination about who this ‘hand picked’ salvage crew might be. But I have heard from a few un-named sources within her inner circle that she might be seeking the services of the currently very ‘hot’ cape Momentum Man. As far as the hostile take-over attempt by Baintronics of the Steele Corporation, an injunction by Ms. Steele’s law team at Hammer & Kline has effectively stalled the proposed forced merger. Baintronics spokeswoman Amanda Smythe cited the lawsuit as “frivolous & unfortunate”. In addition she stated that Baintronics would be exploring the option of their own salvage operation since they felt that Ms. Steele “does not have the best interest of the company or her father’s Intellectual Property in mind, she is simply using her name and reputation to further her own selfish agenda. Baintronics, as a potential owner and operator of said Intellectual Property feels an independent salvage operation would be not only fiscally responsible, but technologically imperative.” Ms. Steele could not be reached for immediate response.
- Former head defender of Hammer & Kline, Stephen Hammer’s practice of Hammer Solutions was severely damaged by unknown parties last week. There has been rampant speculation that Mr. Hammer left under pressure of the Board of Directors after assisting local prosecuting attorney Ned Stone in a case of industrial sabotage against the ‘Cape’ Killer Shrike who claimed to be operating at the behest of Hammer Industries. Mr. Hammer, in the year since, has been spear heading an effort for victims of ‘Cape’ crime to file civil cases and seek damages. This has led to a string of financial seizures of both money and properties of ‘Capes’ who have been convicted in criminal court, including a 27 million dollar settlement against William Cross, the criminal known as Crossfire. Coincidentally Cross was one of three escapees from the transport to “The Deep Freeze” penitentiary. He is still at large.
- Griffin Gogol, aka Captain Ultra has scheduled a press conference in two weeks on the steps of the Minneapolis courthouse. The subject of his announcement is unknown at this time, but the rumor has it he has signed on with Saxon Industries. It is unknown whether or not it is in a defense capacity or if their ‘Talent Agency’ branch is simply representing him.
- High profile power couple Gubernatorial candidate and former masked man Phil Grayfield & German Baroness Heike Rogers are scheduled to do a one-hour ‘sit down’ interview with yours truly & famed national reporter Laura Lynch in January for CSPAN. They have been named, by the right wing publication The Republic, American Couple Of The Year. Rogers is still battling claims that she has some lineage with the Zemo family, as well as failure to prove just where her wealth originates from in Germany. Meanwhile Grayfield has been an unstoppable political juggernaut and has begun to publicly call for a Public Super Hero Database, something his opponents have likened to a variation of the Mutant Registration Act. Rogers has responded by asking, “…just what do my opponents have to hide?”
- A warrant has been issued for Lanh Long, aka Miss Saigon, former hero in the Chicago area. This warrant was federally issued and some strong voices in the ‘Cape’ community have pointed to this as a “witch hunt”. Local S.H.I.E.L.D. liaison and head of “The Deep Freeze” facility General John Ryker has vowed a “quick and efficient capture of this urban terrorist”. As someone who has met Ms. Long, I find it hard to believe that she is responsible for the “Terroristic Attacks” that are being attributed to her.
- There has been state capital pressure for Minneapolis ‘Capes’ Detective Janet Haley to step up her ‘Capes Division’ investigation into the Twin Cities recent rash of M.G.H. related crime. This pressure may have been due to the leaked information that Dr. Calvin Zabo, aka Mr. Hyde, had a massive amount of M.G.H. in his system during his recent escape from custody, along with the mutant Marrow & the aforementioned Crossfire, Hyde & Marrow were apprehended by local celebrity Momentum Man and two other unknown heroes. On Corbin Haige’s radio program he went with information from a source, that wished to remain nameless in local law enforcement, that Dr. Zabo, upon re-capture, was found to have ingested five times the normal dose of M.G.H. A dose this high would routinely kill a normal individual, as footage showed it simply made an already dangerous criminal homicidal. What this reporter really wants to know is just where this stuff if coming from?
- Finally in Sport’s News, the UCFF held another “BASH FOR CHARITY” event last night with Yoshin “Thunder” Kaiman defeating G.I. Bro by submission, El Zorro de Plata outlasting top rated female heavyweight Poundcakes, and in the main event The Armadillo defeated Jersey Devil by Technical Knockout. Half of the proceeds went to the Mayo Clinic Lab for Genetic Research as well as the recently established Mallus Foundation.

Twin Cities Cape Beat – 1/18/11
By: Stanley Simmons

Capes News!
- Just when we thought we’d seen Mr. Fahrenheit mend his criminal ways, this former flamboyant criminal robbed a Wells Fargo armored car Monday night along with a “crew” made up of The Supersonic Woman, The Meteor Men, Pi-R8, Rolly Polly, & someone claiming to be the deceased villain Trickshot at the expense of self-appointed Twin Cities hero Captain Ultra. Afterwards Internet criminal Pi-R8 put the footage of said encounter online via YOUTube along with a message to all self-styled ‘heroes’ in the area “I’m BACK!” What that possibly entails this reporters shudders to think.
- Mokole Membe, aka the Crimo-dile, was found in downtown St. Paul suffering from numerous projectile wounds atop the bodies of his crime “families” capos. Who or what would take on the ‘Teflon Terrorsaur’ remains to be seen, but it’s abundantly obvious that they are playing for keeps.
- Current number 2 contender for the UCFF Earth Heavyweight Championship, G.I. Bro was arrested by a ‘Capes’ team led by Detective Janet Haley after a positive test for an M.G.H. masking agent was found in his blood sample after his bout with Yoshin “Thunder” Kaiman on 12/30/10’s “Ring In The New Year” event. Albert Jackson, G.I. Bro’s real name, has retained Stephen Hammer as representation. In a prepared press release Mr. Jackson proclaimed his innocence and promises he is cooperating with law enforcement to get the bottom of these heinous allegations. If one remembers the UCWF was shut down due to the use of illegal experimentations upon competitors to empower them. Detective Haley has only stated that Mr. Jackson had M.G.H. paraphernalia in his ‘possession’ upon arrest and that he is a ‘Person Of Interest’ in a wider investigation. Already UCFF’s financial baker Sunset Bain, owner and operator of Baintronics Inc., has begun to distance the company from Mr. Jackson & the investigation by issuing it’s own statement through spokeswoman Amanda Smyth; “We are deeply saddened by the apparent lack of judgment and poor choices by Mr. Jackson. And while we will support him in any attempt to prove his innocence or seek assistance for any substance abuse issues, we will not support nor tolerate the acquisition, use, or distribution of M.G.H.” The rumor is Ms. Bain’s attorneys at Hammer & Kline are looking at Mr. Jackson’s contract with the UCFF.
- Renowned Canadian Gamma Ray expert Walter Langkowski will be in the Twin Cities at the invite of ‘Deep Freeze’ warden General John Ryker to tour the facility and give a lecture on the dangers of radiation exposure and mutation. Langkowski is better known as the Canadian superhuman Sasquatch, former member of the defunct team Alpha Flight. The lecture is open to the public.
- Oklahoma city ‘bad boy hero’ Runnin’ Reb has issued a public challenge to current Twin Cities celebrity hero Momentum Man. The highly unpredictable southern stalwart is interested in “showing that carpetbagger what speed really is” for charity. Momentum Man has yet to publicly respond. Most will remember that two years ago the Runnin’ Reb’s racially insensitive tie-raid directed towards New York city hero The Falcon after busting a Watchdogs ring in Jackson, MI garnered him a significant amount of negative media attention. Since then the ‘Southern Speedster’ has re-located to the Midwest, Oklahoma City most recently, in an attempt to rehabilitate his image.
- Let me take this opportunity to welcome Conservative radio ‘star’ Corbin Haige to the publication. It is my hope that Mr. Haige will offer a fair and balanced counterpoint on all things ‘Capes’ in the Twin Cities. Finally, let me remind you all that Channel 45’s new ‘Cape’ series Behind The Cape will begin airing next week with a profile of 1940’s champion Edward Sothal, The Indestructible Man.
- Last but not least Rebecca Grant, the daughter of Stephen Grant the deceased hero The Protector, has come out publicly and asked for custody of her father’s ‘battle armor”. The Minneapolis ‘Capes’ division claims to not have possession of the suit. Ms. Grant is currently asking for any information that might lead to the recovery of her father’s technology. Good luck Ms. Grant your father was a great man.

Twin Cities Cape Beat – 3/2/11
By: Stanley Simmons

Capes News!

- The super hero team calling itself ‘The Protectors’ seems to be the main victims of the failed scientific endeavor to board Prof. Steele’s Space Zeppelin. Ms. Smythe of Baintronics Inc., whose shuttle was the only to return from the debacle, issued the following statement, “It greatly saddens the Baintronics/Steele Corp. family at the loss of not only Ms. Steele, but her team, & the loosely affiliated group of mystery men calling themselves ‘The Protectors’. If there is any silver lining to this devastating loss it’s the retrieval of certain technology that may prove to benefit all of mankind at a future date. “ Although there is no body, legal experts speculate that if Ms. Steele is in fact missing or dead control of Steele Corp. will revert fully to Baintronics control. It’s a shame that so many lives, good, young lives were lost in what looks to be a tragedy. Good luck and god speed Protectors, we hardly knew ye.
- The criminal group, The Conglomerate, fronted by local villain Mr. Fahrenheit has started a website. It’s threatening to televise ‘Real Time Crime’ for pay subscribers. In a prepared statement Mr. Fahrenheit had this to say, “It’s a new day, and it’s time that enterprising men and women make their mark. For $39.99 a year you, the common schlub can be a part of the first Egalitarian Criminal Union. Make suggestions of crime, watch professionals at work, and learn the trade. It’s the future, learn to love it because it’s here to stay!” Local law enforcement has yet to issue a statement, and I have yet to find a Cape who will give a comment.
- In a follow-up Mokole Membe, aka the Crimo-dile, is now in federal custody as he continues to recover from multiple wounds suffered in January. His ‘family’ has been somewhat disorganized by what one anonymous federal agent is calling the ‘New Year’s Day Culling’. With street crime on a sudden down turn, one has to worry if there is a power vacuum looking to be filled, or if Mr. Fahrenheit’s “future of crime” is coming to fruition.
- In the Albert Jackson, aka G.I. Bro, M.G.H. case the firm of Hammer & Kline have filed an injunction on the name “G.I. Bro” effectively terminating Mr. Jackson’s ability to use the name or gain income from the name. In addition they’ve terminated his contract from the UCFF. In response Mr. Jackson made a phone call to local sports radio personality Henry Lake and promised that he was going to “Name names” in his assistance with ‘Capes’ department Detective Janet Haley. Detective Haley has promised to publicly reveal her department’s findings at her press conference.

Stanley Simmons

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